Wind Power Threatens Earth’s Orbit, Solar Panels Sucking The Sun Dry

Video/Satire: A disturbing report suggests the collective “propeller” force exerted by wind turbines installed all over the world may alter earth’s orbit – and even solar power poses a threat to our planet as millions of vampire solar panels suck all the energy from the sun.

Coal industry scientists say wind turbines could blow the Earth toward the sun, reducing us to a collection of 6,957,661,231 crispy critters, or away from it; plunging the planet into freezing darkness. The news comes via the highly respected news source, in fact, The World’s Finest News Source, The Onion.

Even if those scenarios do not occur, wind turbines could accelerate the rotation of the earth, causing all life upon it to be flung off. A more immediate threat however, is wind waste contaminating water – the consumption of which can cause a truly terrifying affliction – wind in the brain.

These are terribly unsettling prospects, compounded by yet another potential threat from evil renewable energy technology. Solar panels are sucking all the energy from our Sun, threatening the planet with an ice-age of catastrophic proportions. When it comes to the Sun, there are “no free refills” it would appear.

It seems renewable energy, far from being a saviour, is in fact heralding the beginning of the rapid demise of our species and planet.

It’s all very tongue-in-cheek of course, but the renewable energy industry is the subject of all sorts of myths that are equally as outrageous as The Onion’s satire – unfortunately, such myths are nowhere near as funny as they are peddled as fact.

For your enjoyment, here are a couple more classic stories from the past by The Onion reporters.

Bush Vows To Remove Toxic Petroleum From National Parks – Vowing to “restore the pristine splendor of America’s natural treasures,” President Bush Monday unveiled “Project: National Parks Clean-Up,” an ambitious program to remove all toxic petrochemical deposits from national parks by 2004.

Exxon Paleontologists Call For Increased U.S. Fossil Production – In what Exxon officials described as “an urgent wake-up call to the nation,” scientists from the oil giant’s paleontological-research arm released a report Monday calling for an “immediate and substantial” increase in U.S. fossil production.